Courtesy: TF1

Pure agony, but is the lass behind her laughing? Courtesy: TF1

Just like watching Sunderland “defending” at Crystal Palace last season, said Pete Sixsmith, and it may only have been two or three by then.

Like them or not, though, the German humiliation of Brazil was as clinical as it was excruciating to follow.

It was torture for the home fans, of course, but painful enough, too, for anyone with a passing preference for Brazil. I kept thinking of those people who cannot properly enjoy Fawlty Towers. They appreciate John Cleese’s comic genius and the superb writing of Cleese and Connie Booth, then his wife and Polly in the series. They just wince too much at the agonies of Basil to be able to laugh at the gags and slapstick,

The Brazilian’s suicidal defending did contribute to the goal spree. Each goal seemed to have at least an element of incompetence to help the grateful Germans to their five-nil half-time lead, the last four of those coming in six minutes.

Neither Brazil nor Germany had been pleasing on the eye in the run-up to the semis. Watching a German defender, Jerome Boateng, remonstrating with Marcelo for a wretched dive at 0-1 after a wonderful and perfectly fair tackle by Philipp Lahm, was comic genius in itself, given the Germans’ weakness for falling over and embellishing or inventing injury.

Thomas Muller was at it again, even with his team 5-0 up, trying to get an opponent booked with a dramatic fall after a tame knock. How many times did the excellent but constantly whingeing Manuel Neuer find it possible to roll after charging out of his goal and suffering a routine body block, admittedly at speed?

But let us not withhold the praise that is as due to Germany as scathing criticism is of Scolari and his players.

When Brazil finally realised that diving is only one part of the modern game, not the only one, they began to mount a few serious attacks early in the second half, desperate to restore some pride. Sadly, they looked laboured and unsure. When, rarely, great saves were needed, from Paulinho and Oscar, Neuer produced them.

And German, after soaking it up, romped away on the break and scored yet again. And again. Andre Schurrle grabbed both, finishing off an incisive but essentially simple move from the right before blasting an excellent shot past poor Julio Cesar from the left.

I enjoyed Oscar’s consolation. But the whole sorry spectacle was an embarrassment. If only the Germans could appreciate cricket, they’d have declared long before half time.

Matt's cartoon as adapted by Jake

Matt’s cartoon as adapted by Jake

*** Our friends and competition sponsors at campotretro.com are quick off the mark with post-semi news on their clobber. This is how they put it:

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7 Responses to “The face of anguish as Germans hit Brazil for seven” Subscribe

  1. Pete Sixsmith July 8, 2014 at 10:04 pm #

    I suspect that a back four of Hall, Hetzke, Breen and Lynch (Tommy or Mark), supported by Whitley and Lemon might have given the Germans a better game than that.
    A sad day for those of us brought up on Pele, Garrincha, Carlos Alberto and Rivelhino. It really was the most abject performance. If I were oneof their players I would leave the country immediately and not return for many moons.
    Tomorrow nights game will probably be a dull 3-3 draw.

    • Eric012 July 8, 2014 at 10:21 pm #

      This result also highlights what a ludicrous and pointless exercise the 3rd/4th place game is. While I am sure the Brazilian players just want to crawl off and hide, they have to somehow gee themselves up for another outing in a few days time. 3rd? 4th? Who cares? Do away with this nonsense.

      • A T Hedley July 9, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

        Not too sure about the condemnation of a “place” play off, many sports have gold silver and bronze and, present teams excepted, the play off can be a cracking match but on last night basis they might as well come in carrying a white flag or a towel and save us the comedy.

        I was literally pissed off, I popped out at 0-1 for a pee and came back to find it was 0-5

  2. Jeremy July 9, 2014 at 1:31 am #

    Nobody cares about the 3rd/4th place game, least of all those poor buggers who have to play in it. What’s the point?

    Luiz was class. Not enough height or strength to be a centre half and lacking the sensibility to be a midfield player. Today he lacked the wit to do anything. Good to see PSG frittering their money away so wisely.

    It crossed my mind that Scolari might have become the first international manager to hang himself at half time. The look on his face in the second half suggested he was regretting the fact that he hadn’t/

    Brazil were horrible at this tournament and got what they deserved. Today they couldn’t even get close enough to the Germans to kick them.

    Well done to the German lads. They were superb. Mine’s a Bitburger.

  3. Jeremy July 9, 2014 at 7:25 pm #

    Just exchanged emails earlier today with my (German) mate who lives in a town where one of the main streets has the border to the Netherlands running down the middle of it (along the broken white line). I’m hoping that the Dutch can make the final as there will be one hell of party on Sunday over there.

    • Eric012 July 10, 2014 at 1:26 pm #

      Not to be.

  4. Jeremy July 10, 2014 at 7:42 pm #

    Aye it’s a real shame Eric.

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